a brief confession...

Ok, so I have consumed coffee in the past, though never regularly, and I will likely continue to occasionally consume it in the future. And this blog isn't just about why I don't drink coffee- it is more an excuse for me to ramble, give unwarranted advice, and talk about my running and adventures- but damnit, I'll take a cup of tea over coffee any day.

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Mexico, Old People, AOL, and Coffee

Why shouldn't you drink coffee?  Because AOLnews said so.  Well, that's not really the full reason, so let me explain.
I recently visited Puerto Vallarta, Mexico for about ten days.  My reasons for the trip were many, most of which were based on personal enjoyment and recreation.  Quite selfish, really, but also quite nice.  The biggest driver was of course the fact that one of my best friends from high school (Justin) and his older brother (Duncan) were going to be there, and I hadn't seen either of them in a long, long time (well, everything is relative I suppose). To get ahead of myself a bit, Puerto Vallarta is absolutely beautiful and has the proper mix of some touristy crap attractions and real Mexico, and our trip was filled with beach time (obviously entailing ridiculous amounts of frisbee, ocean swimming, wave battling, babe-watching, volleyball, and tail-chasing), more chasing of girls, partying, hiking, exploring town, running, snorkeling, and just generally having a great time.

But if you're a gringo and reading this and thinking about going, please pull your head out of your ass- you're not special or entitled to anything- and travel with a bit of humility and respect for an amazing culture and people.  Anyway, these friends of mine were going to be in PV because their grandfather retired there a handful of years ago.
Old People
Grandfather is known as Papa Bill, a man I've known since the early years of my childhood.  Papa Bill is a generally jovial and carefree man.  He moved to Mexico some years ago with his somewhat unfortunate girlfriend Michalene, or Mike.  Mike isn't a bad person per say, just hyperanal, obnoxious, lives in constant fear, and is a chain smoker.  We think Papa Bill could have done better is all.  Anywho, when we were but wee lads, Papa Bill had AOL as an ISP.  I'm pretty sure this originally stemmed from Justin's influence and the popularity of AIM instant messenging at the time, but it just so turns out that Papa Bill never quite kicked the habit, and he happens to be one of approximately seven people in the world that still uses AOL.
AOL is an outdated, useless web browser with little functionality and news headlines that would look more at home on the front of a tabloid.  On one fine morning in Mexico however, AOL came through.  I opened up Papa Bill's internets and it defaulted to the AOL homepage, revealing the top headlines of AOLnews for the day, and low and behold, the second story down was titled "Study Provides Wake-Up Call for Coffee Drinkers."  Que bueno!  Finally, (un)popular media backs Evan's stand against coffee!
The "article" describes a study that found the "boost" in energy that habitual coffee drinkers get from a cupajoe is actually just the reversal of what they call acute caffeine withdrawal.  In other words, until you get your fix, you're just suffering from withdrawal.  Like a crackhead.  

So why shouldn't you drink coffee?  Because AOLnews says so.  And because you're developing a substance dependence and you're no better than a crackhead.  Soon enough you'll be stealing and selling your roommate's Wii games to pawn shops for coffee money.  Mugging old ladies and hard time will soon follow, and who knows what deprave and disgusting things you'll do for your coffee fix in prison.

and for proof of all this, here is the AOLnews article...
Proof that you can't trust Coffee Drinkers because they are like Crackheads

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