So before we get too far into this, I need to get something off my chest. Coffee does have one potentially important function- it makes you poop. Well, it makes me poop at least. Now before you get too crazy making assumptions about the value of coffee, it is important to recognize that pooping isn't always a good thing, though there are certainly times when a little pooping assistance is useful. For example, I wake up early to sneak in a run or bike ride before starting work for the day. Now ideally I would have my cup of green tea and a bowl of oatmeal, poop, run/bike, and be back in time to have 2nd breakfast and start working. Unfortunately, sometimes that poop isn't quite ready before departure, and all it takes is 2 or 3 miles of a 6 or 7 mile run to rob you of your dignity and a good pair of socks. And there's nothing worse than losing a good pair of socks.
If I'm in a hurry and need to poop immediately, coffee is the go-to drink. The speed at which it works is unbelievable really. A few sips and a familiar friend is knock-knock-knocking on Evan's door. The flipside to all of this is of course that you don't always want to poop as soon as the coffee demands it. For instance, road trips. Don't drink coffee (or let your road trip partner-in-crime do so) if you need to be anywhere on time.
I believe in letting nature take it's course, and subsequently, I don't like to resort to coffee-inspired pooping. I just want to recognize in this post that there are certain (extremely dire) times when it is acceptable (though regrettable) to consume coffee.
Today's coffee fact: For better or worse, til death do you part, coffee makes you poop. With great speed and urgency.